Just an update to let everyone know I am doing much better. Writing that blog yesterday helped a lot. Thanks for indulging me some self-pity. Sometimes, we just need to get it out!! I did that, and then some!
Jasen came home really excited. Although he loves his job, especially for the family time it affords, his inner Army clock is telling him it's time to get back to the "real" Army. This school at Leavenworth will be one step closer to that. I am glad he's excited. It's definitely contagious!
Thank you all for your prayers. I ask you all to keep praying, especially for Davis. He's already very anxious about moving and this will be the first one he remembers.
I am so thankful for each of you!
Friday, January 29, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
A Decision is Made
We will be moving to Fort Leavenworth this summer. Some of you are saying, "What? I thought that was the plan all along??" Yes, it was. Until this past month, when Jasen's branch manager (who is coming to The Citadel to head up the Army ROTC department this summer) told Jasen that he was on the standby list for the school at Leavenworth. We were really surprised, but tried not to think about it. We did tell Grace that there was a chance, a really good chance we would be staying here. Her reaction was surprising to me; she was sad. The idea of playing in the snow, being close to her cousins Joe and Maggie, and helping Mrs. Amber with baby Drew made her want to move to Fort Leavenworth.
On Monday night, on our way home from Grace's basketball practice, she asked me what I wanted as far as moving or not moving. I took a deep breath and explained that I tried my best not to WANT anything because that usually meant I got my hopes up for nothing. It was a good opportunity to remind her that, ultimately, neither us nor the Army are in control. God is, was and forever will be and He knows what's best.
Imagine my surprise this morning, when the call came from Jasen that we would be moving this summer. After I told the kids and we prayed to thank God for giving us His decision and for going ahead of us and preparing Leavenworth, I took Grace to school. She seemed almost giddy to tell her friends that she was moving. Our kids follow what we project, right? Well, by the time Davis and I got to the gym, my inner feelings were not matching my outer projection.
I don't want to move from here.
There, I said it. You would think after 6 location moves (I won't count the housing changes!) in 11 years, I would be okay with moving, with starting over, with changing our lives. But I am not okay with it. After all, I am the girl who only lasted a semester at A&M, three hours down the road from home. I am the girl that cried everyday for SIX WEEKS when we moved three hours down the road to Oklahoma. I get tired of starting over. Is it exciting? A little. Do I enjoy the redecorating? Yes. I love houses and I really do enjoy seeing what I can do with what the Army has given us.
But I am, at heart, a homebody. And for the first time ever we've found another place besides TX that we'd be willing to call home. And that makes it the hardest move of all. I love Charleston. Really, really love it. I love all the things to do here. I love the places to see, the history to experience, the places to eat. And it still feels small.
This time I am not leaving a church like I did in OK: one that nurtured us through a difficult time. This time I am not leaving an exotic location and soulmate friends like I did in Germany. This time, I am not leaving the friends who helped me pull myself and my kids up by the boot straps when Jasen was gone like I did in KS.
It's that I am leaving my heart. Really, honestly, that's the way I feel. This lowcountry has captured my heart. I love the marshes. I love the beach. I love the Spanish moss. You name it, I love it. Except maybe the humidity, but hey, I can deal with it.
We are leaving this place where we were separate from the military. There was no threat of deployment. And when we leave here, I know we are one step closer to all that. And I don't want to go through it again.
And I don't want to say goodbye to the friends I've made here, even just the acquaintances I've made. I don't want to leave the gym, where I discovered my real friends. I don't want to leave my friends whose lives I have become a part of and are on my daily prayer list.
Now, Charleston hasn't been perfect. I haven't made the friendships like I did in other places. Oh, I have friends and I will miss them, but without a deployment, those friendships aren't like the others I've made. Our church, while decent, is not what I want/thought it would be. The Army wives I've met here aren't what I have experienced before.
But the place and the family time has made up for the lack of perfection. I have always said that a place is what you make it. And we've made Charleston great. Really, we have.
So, when you ask me if I am excited about moving or tell me the schools at Leavenworth are great and all I can muster is slight smile and a biting of my lip so I won't cry, just know I am projecting the best positive I can, for the kids. I will be thinking about holding baby Drew, and sharing a 'rita or beer with Amber, and seeing the Kazors at the lake on the way, and hanging with my cousin, Jennifer, all the positives of a move to Leavenworth.
But my insides are knotted and sad.
Don't worry, I won't wallow in this for long.
On Monday night, on our way home from Grace's basketball practice, she asked me what I wanted as far as moving or not moving. I took a deep breath and explained that I tried my best not to WANT anything because that usually meant I got my hopes up for nothing. It was a good opportunity to remind her that, ultimately, neither us nor the Army are in control. God is, was and forever will be and He knows what's best.
Imagine my surprise this morning, when the call came from Jasen that we would be moving this summer. After I told the kids and we prayed to thank God for giving us His decision and for going ahead of us and preparing Leavenworth, I took Grace to school. She seemed almost giddy to tell her friends that she was moving. Our kids follow what we project, right? Well, by the time Davis and I got to the gym, my inner feelings were not matching my outer projection.
I don't want to move from here.
There, I said it. You would think after 6 location moves (I won't count the housing changes!) in 11 years, I would be okay with moving, with starting over, with changing our lives. But I am not okay with it. After all, I am the girl who only lasted a semester at A&M, three hours down the road from home. I am the girl that cried everyday for SIX WEEKS when we moved three hours down the road to Oklahoma. I get tired of starting over. Is it exciting? A little. Do I enjoy the redecorating? Yes. I love houses and I really do enjoy seeing what I can do with what the Army has given us.
But I am, at heart, a homebody. And for the first time ever we've found another place besides TX that we'd be willing to call home. And that makes it the hardest move of all. I love Charleston. Really, really love it. I love all the things to do here. I love the places to see, the history to experience, the places to eat. And it still feels small.
This time I am not leaving a church like I did in OK: one that nurtured us through a difficult time. This time I am not leaving an exotic location and soulmate friends like I did in Germany. This time, I am not leaving the friends who helped me pull myself and my kids up by the boot straps when Jasen was gone like I did in KS.
It's that I am leaving my heart. Really, honestly, that's the way I feel. This lowcountry has captured my heart. I love the marshes. I love the beach. I love the Spanish moss. You name it, I love it. Except maybe the humidity, but hey, I can deal with it.
We are leaving this place where we were separate from the military. There was no threat of deployment. And when we leave here, I know we are one step closer to all that. And I don't want to go through it again.
And I don't want to say goodbye to the friends I've made here, even just the acquaintances I've made. I don't want to leave the gym, where I discovered my real friends. I don't want to leave my friends whose lives I have become a part of and are on my daily prayer list.
Now, Charleston hasn't been perfect. I haven't made the friendships like I did in other places. Oh, I have friends and I will miss them, but without a deployment, those friendships aren't like the others I've made. Our church, while decent, is not what I want/thought it would be. The Army wives I've met here aren't what I have experienced before.
But the place and the family time has made up for the lack of perfection. I have always said that a place is what you make it. And we've made Charleston great. Really, we have.
So, when you ask me if I am excited about moving or tell me the schools at Leavenworth are great and all I can muster is slight smile and a biting of my lip so I won't cry, just know I am projecting the best positive I can, for the kids. I will be thinking about holding baby Drew, and sharing a 'rita or beer with Amber, and seeing the Kazors at the lake on the way, and hanging with my cousin, Jennifer, all the positives of a move to Leavenworth.
But my insides are knotted and sad.
Don't worry, I won't wallow in this for long.
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